Now don't get me wrong... I knew that a newborn was going to be really hard work and a huge adjustment. But what I didn't now was that I might have a baby that DOES NOT NAP. AT ALL. EVER. Let me correct that last statement. I didn't know that I might have a fussy, colicky, chronically unhappy baby that DOES NOT NAP.
[Side note: I'm writing this post a few days before Ryder's four month birthday, and it is important for me to clarify that he is now a happy, fun baby (that still hardly naps, but that's besides the point)]
Ryder's temperament for the first three months of his life most likely had a lot to do with his prematurity. Because he was a little early, his little body wasn't quite mature enough for the outside world. He was (and still is, to some degree) super gassy, which is often the case with colicky babies.
So, anyway- there I was with the most precious gift in the world that I loved more than life itself, and I was miserable during 99% of my 12 week leave. Ryder wasn't happy unless he was being held. Even then, he spent a good amount of time fussing in my arms. And again... I didn't know there was such a thing as a newborn that doesn't sleep during the day. The books and doctors will tell you that newborns often sleep 18+ hours a day. So one would assume that even a difficult baby would sleep 12+ hours. Nope. Not Ryder.
Ryder's one saving grace was that he would sleep at night (thank god). He was up every 3 hours to eat at night for a while, but that's pretty standard newborn stuff. Inbetween his night feedings he would sleep like a good little baby.
During the day, I couldn't have possibly felt more helpless. Many times I would sit in my bed with Ryder in my arms and pillows shoved beneath my elbow so my arms wouldn't break off for HOURS. If Ryder fell asleep, I wouldn't want to budge since his naps were few and far between, so I'd sit there like a captive for long periods of time. I'd get hungry but couldn't move, so I didn't eat. I'd feel restless and my arm would fall asleep, but I wouldn't dare reposition myself. Sounds pretty awful, huh? And when Ryder cried... oh god, my stomach would turn and my anxiety would sky rocket. He was so difficult to sooth! And every mom knows how hard it is to listen to their baby cry. It made my heart melt (and not in a good way). But there was nothing I could do! His diaper was clean, he had a full tummy, he had been given gas drops, he was warm and cozy but still he cried.
I tried the swing, the bouncy seat, and the "Mamaroo." No go. Ryder wouldn't have any of it. He only wanted to be held. When you have a baby, everyone tells you to sleep when your baby sleeps (i.e. take naps during the day when your baby naps). So what was I supposed to do?
I must say that my mom was a huge help during my maternity leave. She would come over and watch Ryder so that I could take naps. Those days were heaven. My mom would also take walks with me and Ryder several times a week. The walks were great because Ryder slept when being pushed in the stroller. So I could feel good about my baby getting some rest while also feel good that I was slowly burning away some of my pregnancy weight.
The most hellish part of my maternity leave was the first 9 weeks or so. It actually got better after that because I finally had an epiphany. Ryder would sleep peacefully in his moving stroller, so I realized it was best to keep him on the move. I'd take him on a long walk every day and then I'd try to run some errands and/or go out to lunch. Mommy and baby were both happier because mommy wasn't having to listen to baby cry and baby was getting some much needed sleep. I wish I had started to get out more earlier on, but it was kind of counterintuitive in a way. I felt like I needed to be at home with my colicky baby rather than out in public. But it would have been better for both of us if I would have taken him out more in the beginning. Don't get me wrong- I wouldn't have taken him out for the first 3 or 4 weeks no matter what because he was too tiny and vulnerable.
Ryder's delays also made things hard. Most babies start smiling at around 6 weeks. Because of Ryder's prematurity, all of his milestones are expected to be a little behind the "norm" for a while. Sure enough, Ryder didn't start smiling until around 9 weeks. Baby smiles are like crack: totally addictive. When your baby smiles at you, life is good. But I had to wait longer to see that first smile.
Let me end this post on a positive note: At around 12 weeks (right around the time I had to go back to work. Go figure), Ryder started transforming. He started smiling all the time and became much, MUCH less fussy. He enjoyed his playmat and even let us put him in his swing and bouncy seat for short intervals of time. Now, at almost 17 week, Ryder is a joy. He has normal baby meltdowns of course, but he is so much fun. He is cooing and playing and growing like crazy.
I've loved that kid since before he was born. I loved him every day of my maternity leave hell. But the truth needs to be told. Some babies are difficult beyond the normal baby challenges. I have (had) one of those babies. I'm sad that I didn't get to enjoy more of my leave. Even though newborns are universally challenging, lots of mamas have sleepy babies that nap a lot and smile early. Maternity leave is probably a different experience for them. For me, it was the hardest 12 weeks of my life. Yet, I wouldn't trade Ryder for anything. He is precious and perfect.
Surely God will grace Blake and I with one of those "easy" babies the next time around. Right? RIGHT!?!?!
Oh, and I apologize for bursting any bubbles out there. I could have made my blog all about puppies and rainbows, but that wouldn't be the truth. But I do promise that this entire blog isn't going to turn into one big bitch fest. After my breast feeding blog entry and this one, some of you are probably ready to desert my blog for fear of becoming depressed. Sorry!
I'll leave you with a picture from when Ryder was 3 months old (right around the time of his transition into the angel that he is today):
No comments:
Post a Comment